It’s been a rough couple of weeks. The excitement of being in a big new city eventually wears off, and real life kicks in; sometimes it kicks you right in the head.
The bigger the city is, the lonelier it gets. Friendships made are often fleeting or intermittent, and you don’t really want to pour your heart out to people you haven’t known for very long. You want to be the fun party girl who people want around, not the girl who’s doing her best to keep it together. And what do you do when you can’t be that girl?
Things have officially ended between me and a man I was in love with. It was a mutual decision for the most part, and one might argue that long distance never works, but break-ups are never easy especially when you’re far from home. We both knew this was coming for quite a while, and I didn’t think making it official would hurt as much as it did; it did. If I were back home, I’d be the way I’ve been here – lying in bed listening to indie heartbreak tunes and reconsidering every decision I’ve ever made in my life and wondering why, at almost 27, I haven’t been able to hold a relationship down for more than 7 months. Except back home, I’d have the people I love most with me, with tea or cats or cuddles. I’d have girlfriends and cousins and lychee martinis and bitching about ex-boyfriends, or my best friends to sit on my favourite Clarke Quay bridge with and play our favourite tunes.
The city gets lonelier the bigger it gets.
I want to stay in Beijing because we could be best friends if we gave each other a chance, and I haven’t given up on her bright lights yet. I want my job to work because I’m really only just getting started and I had/have such great plans for this. I want to be able to trust new friends enough to let them in. And I desperately want to be happy again.
For now I’m keeping my chin up.
Because somewhere in there, there’s still sunshine in her eyes.
What you don’t have now will come back again
You’ve got heart and you go in your own way